*** Please consult your physician before proceeding with any lifestyle changes. If you have a history of trauma, know that you are always in choice. Nothing here is obligatory. Follow your own pacing and if you become overwhelmed, seek additional supports or contact a therapist.***
Dear Fellow Human,
In my early twenties, my fifty year old Aunt who was a healthy bike shop owner, contracted a terminal form of brain cancer. The prognosis at the time, with or without chemo treatment was 3 months to a year of life expectancy max. That diagnosis changed everything in her life and mine, a change which for me included an unexpected gift…
The gift of experiencing someone living resiliently.
For the last year of my Aunt’s life, (yes, she miraculously made it a full year which was quite remarkable given the prognosis) she lived each day fully present. I would watch this apparent contradiction and marvel at her. How could someone be so fully alive while they were actively dying? And yet, here my Aunt was, living a deeply beautiful life while also suffering greatly. Watching her live that way changed me. I’d think to myself, if someone can live that fully while facing the challenge of dying, why wait until you’re dying to do it?
My view of what I had once thought of as humanly possible expanded after that. I call the resilience of what I learned through witnessing my Aunt, “tragic optimism”. (1) Choosing to create something meaningful each day didn’t ultimately save her from cancer, but it did create an inspiring legacy of living. A qualitative legacy I hope to pay forward with the work I do today. Work that I hope can bring potential for greater resilience and quality of life to humans with real challenges and real lives, without diminishing the experiences of their biopsychosocial influences.
Becoming more resilient doesn’t mean abdicating the challenges from your life by hibernating, (see… the tree analogy returns from part one). It also doesn’t mean over responding by frantically swaying to and fro. And it doesn’t mean trying to prevent challenge from happening altogether. (2) Resilience is flexibility. It’s what I think about when I think of my Aunt:
Accepting hard realties of life.
Finding pockets of choice-even if they are teeny tiny.
Continually bringing your nervous system back to safety…
thus restoring the ability to be present.
What can you do to build the secret sauce of creating a more resilient life?
Seek Social & community support
You know how you can watch a mother soothe her baby like it’s magic? Or how a hard day will feel so much better after talking with a friend? Our bodies and nervous systems are made for connection, to soothe each other. In fact, social support is significantly impactful, as we are relational creatures. It is innately woven into our experience of being human and is a fantastic way to return to feelings of safety (3, 10).
This connection also extends into our communities and their resources. While each person has different access based on their biopyschosocial influences, many health equity organizations try to make resources available for those who need support. You can check if your local community has resources. Sometimes this is something as small as a walking path, to non profit healthcare organizations that help cover health care costs. Resources exist both locally and federally. One resource you can explore that is specific to health coaching is called Coaching for Everyone. Whether you are utilizing health equity resources or giving back to them, interacting in either way enriches our connections to other humans.
learn your unique nervous system cues
Remember from the previous post What is Resilience? that every person’s nervous system has a unique imprint for threat and safety? Whether it’s facing challenges or trying something new, finding a Goldilocks fit of “just right” for our nervous systems is important. This can be referred to as “the window of tolerance”. Finding your window is when the challenge is just enough that it stretches you, but it doesn’t stretch you too far that you land into a state of mobilization or immobilization.
What does this mean practically? It can help to learn our physical body signals that can clue us in to the difference of what safety, mobilization, and immobilization feel like… so we can understand our window better. For example, I know I’m mobilized if I feel really hot, my heart races, my thoughts are fast and harsher. I know I’m immobilized if thinking about moving feels daunting or slow, sometimes I feel hopeless or sad, my body feels heavy. In safety, I feel alert and warm, I feel calm and often a sense of contentment. After you begin to get an understanding of your signals, you can start building a repertoire of resources to help you return to safety. Some people even like to make a journal to keep track of their nervous system cues. (4, 5, 6)
Ask yourself, Does it feel like an invitation?
Once you begin to learn the ebbs and flows of your particular nervous system, you can begin to operate with more choice in your life and choice is paramount. Understanding the difference of what feels like an invitation to your nervous system versus a threat is a helpful way to get yourself quickly back into safety. Practicing this process of returning strengthens resilience.
Does taking that improvisational theater class make your palms sweat to a point that you want to bolt out of the room? Instead of “pushing through,” or “keeping your cool” and pretending you’re not as bothered as you are, (which will train your nervous system to be stressed and threatened) there is a different path available. Learning about your cues without judging them, can empower you to support yourself differently. Maybe taking a friend to the improv class as a first step helps you feel 50% calmer and back in your window. Or maybe watching a few improv classes online ahead of time helps you feel prepared so that you’re only slightly nervous for the real thing, safe enough to risk going. If you understand your cues and take a moment to explore what could feel more like a choice instead of a threat, you’re actively practicing resiliency. (3)
Embrace the both/and
Part of having more nervous system flexibility is embracing space for both/and thinking. And part of embracing both/and thinking is challenging your automatic thoughts. Maybe I had a rough day at work after a frustrating encounter with a customer. Less flexible thinking could be something like, my whole day was terrible. It was such a bad day. Flexible thinking could be, while I did have a rough moment with a customer today, I also had a really lovely connection with one of my coworkers (both/and… when two contrasting experiences can co-exist). (8)
Include your body
The body stress connection runs deep. Remember how we talked about stress being part of the nervous system, and the nervous system is a physical part of the body? This means that stress has physical implications. Learning to connect with and calm your body can have deeply positive impacts on your stress response. Working with the body first is sometimes called a “bottom up” approach, and it is also a way to train your nervous system towards resiliency. See our Somatics article for an extensive list of body based stress reducing practices. (3)
Learn to Manage Stress
Being resilient is not only identifying stress, but it’s also learning to manage it and get back to safety in many different ways. This is also part of flexibility, having many tools at your disposal so you can access resilient options for yourself with ease. Here are some links filled with stress reduction tools.
Look for glimmers
“Glimmers are tiny moments of goodness that help us remember that regulation, safety and connection is also possible. It doesn’t take away the trauma or the suffering but it’s a reminder that our biology, our nervous system, is capable of holding all that suffering that’s not yet resolved.”
-Deb Dana
Deb Dana coined the phrase “glimmer.” For me, I love to look to nature or animals for glimmers. When I see a flower poking out of the snow, showing it’s delicate beauty in harsh conditions, it’s a reminder of strength and resilience for me… glimmer. When I see a tree growing out of a rock, it encourages me that change is possible even under difficult circumstances. It’s about little ways throughout the day that we can train our bodies and minds towards resiliency. (8)
look, it’s a
Glimmer!
Be kind to yourself
Learning to be resilient and work with your nervous system takes time, patience, a new set of skills, and the tolerance to make mistakes. It’s a lot, and it helps to be kind to yourself. Not only is kindness helpful to the process of learning, but it also is a great nervous system soother. Remembering that learning isn’t a linear process can be helpful. You didn’t master tying your shoes the first time. There were lots of moments of beginning and relearning, starting and stopping. Being kind to yourself can also help your nervous system feel less threatened, and return to safety. Safety is the place where there are more mental, emotional, and physical resources available for learning. (9)
Take a moment to check in…
After reading this article, how does your nervous system feel right now in this moment?
What cues did your body give you to help you know where your nervous system is at?
How could you return to, or strengthen your experience of safety in this moment?
In the spirit of the quality of life,
Kristen
References:
- https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/07/opinion/coronavirus-mental-health.html
- https://drarielleschwartz.com/rewire-your-resilience/
- https://drarielleschwartz.com/resilience-informed-therapy/#.ZEGNIezMI-Q
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNVlppGz0zM
- Dana, Deb. The Beginners Guide.
https://www.rhythmofregulation.com/resources - Dana, Deb. A Quick Guide to Ventral Vagal Anchors.
https://www.rhythmofregulation.com/resources - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/202102/what-is-bothand-thinking
- https://www.newsweek.com/mental-health-crisis-glimmers-trauma-therapy-viral-tiktok-1814542#:~:text=Dana%20told%20Newsweek%3A%20%22Glimmers%20are,suffering%20that’s%20not%20yet%20resolved.%22
- https://www.tarabrach.com/wise-heart-radical-acceptance-2/
- https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/manage-social-support#:~:text=The%20benefits%20of%20social%20support,esteem%20and%20sense%20of%20autonomy.